


My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me

by LadySalvatore



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Because at this point anything is better than what we're having, F/M, Forbidden Love, Half-Sibling Incest, Mentions of Jon and Daenerys, Miscommunication, Political Jon Snow, Political Jon!, Snippets, Unrequited Love, but not really, jonsa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:29:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySalvatore/pseuds/LadySalvatore
Summary: The moment his strong arms surrounded her and he filled a bowl of soup for her, he became her savior and knight, her King and brother, her home and the one thing she didn’t dare herself to desire.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me. It now felt as it had been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wanted no part of it"

_Did something ever hurt as much as unrequited love?_

She had suffered countless of hardships at the hands of lions, roses, mockingbirds and flayed men, each one stripping her from a part of herself and keeping it to themselves so she could never be whole again. She thought they had taken it all but didn’t realize how much more Dragons could still take from her.

Since the moment she heard Joffrey give the order to behead her father and watched Ser Ilyn Payne’s hand tightening around the pommel of his sword she had stopped feeling safe. She had been thrown around the hands of people who needed her some way or another, always wanting to take something from her and never giving anything in return.

It wasn’t until she flung her arms around him and felt his strong grip in return that she felt warm and safe once again, finally in the hands of someone who didn’t want anything from her, someone who had given instead of taking.

Since she was a little girl Sansa had dreamed of fairytales and songs: of maids and knights with golden hair and strong arms, but soon enough she had realized that not all that glittered was gold and that the best things could be found in the ugliest of places, like the edges of the world behind a frozen wall. The moment his strong arms surrounded her and he filled a bowl of soup for her, he became her savior and knight, her King and brother, her home and the one thing she didn’t dare herself to desire.

Joffrey Baratheon and Ramsay Bolton had shown her touches filled with humiliation and pain, but Jon Snow had shown her tenderness and love, he had kissed her forehead and smiled up at her like no one else before—and she had loved him for it.

It was strange for her, the warmth that grew in her chest whenever she saw him, the need to be beside him at every minute and the extraordinary ache that started between her legs when he looked at her too closely or wrapped her in his arms, not once before she had felt that way in the presence of a man and she couldn’t stop her cheeks from tinting red and burning with shame whenever she played with herself in the middle of the night, always with thoughts of him.

Sansa longed, dreamed and waited patiently for some kind of sign, for something to let her knew she wasn’t as twisted as Cersei. Didn’t she deserve some happiness after everything that had been taken away from her? Didn’t she deserve to have his smiles and touches all for herself?

So she had prayed, prayed like she hadn’t done in so long for a chance to find happiness once again, for him to notice her and care for her the way the knights did in all the songs she used to listen when she was a little girl.

But as usual, no one had listened to her prayers, and she had been forced to watch as he rode alongside her, a smile on his face and a gaze filled with tenderness as he stared at her purple eyes.

She had steeled her back and raised her chin to face her, a mask in the place where her face was supposed to be, one of the many tricks she had learned at the hands of the golden lioness.

It was torture and it was bliss, have him back in their home but having only a part of him. Watching day in and out how he looked at the silver-haired woman the way he never dared to look at her, watch him build a future with someone else and giving no thought to what would be of her.

Once she thought Jon Snow was her Knight, snow had covered the ground and dirt had covered her clothes, his hair had been pulled away from his face and he had smelled of home, but perhaps fairytales weren’t true at all and there was no happy ending waiting for her at the end of the road.

_Did something ever hurt as much as unrequited love?_

She didn’t think so, for no scars on her body hurt as much as her chest did while she watched him smile at her before joining their lips in a sweet kiss. They were oblivious to everyone around them and she never envied anyone as she did them at that moment.

Lions, roses, mockingbirds and flayed men, they all had been brutal to her, but none of them had managed to hurt her as much as the dragons did.


	2. He's probably forgotten that I'm here, beside him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “His hands are saying that he wants to hold her. His feet are saying that he wants to chase after her... He's probably forgotten that I'm here, beside him.”

She watched him go.

Her glacial blue eyes stared at him unblinking as he rode through the gates they had once ridden in together, watched him disappear without sparing a glance in direction.

_—We will support our queen. —_

_Your queen_ she had wanted to shout; wanted to scream at him with the same force she wanted to scream at the young version of herself for leaving Winterfell and believing the lies of a Golden Prince.

Her heart ached, a throbbing dull accompanied it ever since the council where he had refused to support her, she hated the way he looked at her and wondered if perhaps it was the way she had looked at him all through their young years.

Sansa could no longer recognize the brother she had found, the King she had admired and the man who had sworn never allow anyone to touch her. Her lower lip trembled as the ache spread through her whole body, how could it be possible that in the span of weeks the one man she had allowed herself to trust no longer cared for her? Had he ever cared for her at all? Or had she been only a substitute of the sister he hadn't been able to find at the time?

No, not sister.

_Cousin._

He wasn’t even her brother anymore.

Jon had never felt closer to her and yet so far away.

Were the Gods punishing her for the thoughts she shouldn't have? For the things she had done when she was a child? Was it wrong of her? To want for him to smile at her the way he had smiled at the dragon queen in the feast, to desire the shared intimacy that existed in their glances? To want for something more than hurtful touches from men?

To love her brother the way she did.

No, not brother.

_Cousin._

Sansa Stark watched Jon Snow depart from the North towards the South, where her father and brother had both lost their lives because they underestimated their opponent, watched him risk everything for the woman he loved and wished with all of her heart it could be her.

Wished someone could love her as deeply as he loved his queen.

_—You’ve changed little bird—_

She was no longer that dove locked in a golden cage built by the Lannisters, she was a wolf, free to roam the cold grounds of the North, but whenever the Dragon Queen looked at her Sansa saw in her eyes the looming cage, made of fire this time, ready to trap her and make her small once again.

She would not allow it.

_—_ _My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to steel_ _—_

Sansa Stark loved Jon Snow like she never loved any man before him, but she wouldn’t let love get in the way of her safeness

  _—The more people you love, the weaker you are—_

So she watched him go, the guilt of her betrayal still bitter in her tongue, but knowing that even if everything crumbled down, in the end, she had made an effort to save them all, even if that meant losing the one thing she wanted the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh is anyone else hating on Jon right now? I do wonder what are D&D doing to the characters because they sure as hell are being totally occ this season *sigh*


	3. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

He closes his eyes and tries to gain some sleep once again, but like the last couple of days, it seems to elude him. It is a stormy night and the boat rocks from side to side with a violent force, his last couple of days had been nothing but wet and dizzying and he can’t wait to set foot on dry land again, his trip to Dragonstone getting more unpleasant with each passing day.

He wishes he would have listened to Sansa.

He wishes he _could_ have listened to her.  

That the threat beyond the wall was nothing but part of the stories old nan used to tell them on stormy nights, that the alliance with the dragon queen wasn’t needed and he could have remained in the safeness that Winterfell provided for him.

That he could be tangled in a mess of furs and soft skin, her hair sprawled over his chest the way it had been that night, her soft teats pressed against his side and her gentle hands tracing the scars that covered his torso.

_Fuck_

He could feel himself getting hard at the memory of it.

It hadn’t been his intention, no; tumbling into bed with his sister had never crossed his mind before that night.

_Liar_

_You thought about it once or twice since you found her again._

They had been sitting by the fire in what once was, their lord father’s chambers, they were drunk in too much ale and the sweet flavor of victory after he was proclaimed King in the north. Petyr Baelish had been circling around Sansa far more than he liked, so he was relishing in having her all to himself at the moment.

It was strange, the sister he barely thought about in the last couple of years was now the only sweetness of his days.

She looked beautiful that night, the fire cast a glow across her too glassy eyes and gave her hair an almost ethereal look.

_Kissed by fire_

The thought warmed his insides and the smile she gifted him with afterwards made something dangerous stir inside him.  What Catelyn Stark would think if she knew what he was thinking at the moment? If she knew how his blood was sizzling in his veins with the mere idea of burying his face between his sister’s legs? To see if her skin was as smooth as it appeared, and her lips as sweet as lemon cakes.

_Bastard._

They all had called him that, and perhaps he was. But at that moment, Sansa hadn’t been looking at him as if he was a bastard, no, she had looked at him as if he was king and Jon had felt as grand as one.

Her eyes were heavy-lidded as she stared at him, her fingers playing with the cup of ale in her hands and her teeth catching her bottom lip every once in a while. Jon couldn’t truly remember who made the first move, but one minute they were sitting in front of each other and the next they were meeting halfway, mouths fusing and hands tearing at each other’s clothes.

She was trembling as they sunk down on the bed, he knew of the nightmares that plagued her mind, so he whispered sweet nothings into her ear and calmed her with soft gentle touches.

Gods, being inside her had been a true paradise.

The pleasure was so overwhelming he managed to thrust only three times before he came undone inside her, embarrassment making his cheeks blush, so he slipped out and made his mouth do the work he had been too eager to complete. He was drunk in the taste of her, in the way she gripped his hair to keep him in place and her body shook with the force of her pleasure.

In the way she kept chanting his name over and over again.

_“Jon”_

He couldn’t remember a sound so sweet as his name on her lips.

The incredulous look on her face when she peaked let him know it was the first time she experienced such pleasure and a surge of masculine pride filled him completely, making his aching member hard again.

So he filled her once more, her cries of pleasure swallowed by his mouth, her nails scraping his back when she finally came around him, draining him of everything inside him once again.

 

She fell asleep on top of his chest that night, her soft supple body curled around him as the snow fell impassively outside the windows. He stayed awake for a long while after her eyes closed, observing her and tracing her features with deft fingers. Hating himself for shaming her in such a way and wanting nothing more than to do it again.

But he promised himself it would be the only time. That once the sun rose in the sky once more he would never touch his sister again. He wasn’t a Lannister and much less a Targaryen, he was a Stark and Starks were honorable.

And yet, he fucked her two more times that night, each time with more eagerness than the one before. But when the morning came she was long gone from his side. Nothing but the smell of her perfume and the achiness on his limbs to remind him of their time together.

She didn’t speak of what happened ever again, nothing in her behavior giving away the fact that she knew what it felt to have him inside her. He was in awe of her, in awe of that steely resolve that allowed her to survive in the south, in how easy it was for her to pretend she hadn’t given herself to him.

It was torture. He wanted to shake her and force her to acknowledge what had happened, he wanted to kiss her and undress her and find comfort in her body once again, wanted to break the vow he had made himself that night.

But she didn’t let him.

So he found other things to occupy his mind.

And was now sailing across the world to pledge himself to another in order to save them all, he only hopes that playing pretend could be as easy for him as he had been for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an absolutely misery to see how badly the writters have ruined Jon, luckily we'll always have fanfiction to turn to. Hope you enjoyed.


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